Christian Marriage in the 21st Century: What's Your Blueprint?

"As a man thinks in his heart so is he." (Proverbs 23:7)

This is the plain and simple truth.

Before we do anything we think about it first.

What we think is important. Very important.

In fact it is the will of God that our thinking is not conformed to this world but that we are transformed by the renewing of our mind. (Romans 12:2)

In other words, our thinking ought to be shaped by what God says. Not by what the world says. There's a difference, you know. A big difference.

The thing is, if we would simply care enough to want to know what God thinks about literally every area of life- it would take us on an exciting journey into His Word for more of His marvellous truth. It would blow away the cobwebs of confusion and bring victory to our every day life.

Nothing surprises and bothers me more than Christians who embrace a world view in even one area of their life. Take marriage for example. Thinking unbiblically about the most important relationship outside of our relationship with God is dangerous. In fact, it can be lethal. Because, as I just mentioned-we will walk in the direction our thoughts are leading. And our thoughts can lead us straight away from the will of God. God's will as it is revealed in His Word paves a divine pathway through the landmines of this world. If we veer off this path by getting outside or away from the wisdom of His Word things can blow up in our face.

Marriages can explode into chaos and break apart.

This is on my mind because of situations I am personally involved in or aware of. When divorce statistics among the Christian population match or exceed those in non-Christian circles-it is a sure sign that God’s Word has ceased to be the foundation and center in the lives of the individuals married to one another. I am convinced this is true, sadly- with few exceptions.

The minds of many Christians are being influenced and shaped by the popular self-help gurus of the 21st century. It's true! Even those who profess to follow Christ prefer a soft shade of grey to the stark black and white of Scripture.

Why?

God's Word challenges our flesh. It stands in unyielding opposition to the vehement cries of the carnal defence lawyer who lives in all of us. The part of us that prickles when offended. That rises up and shakes an angry fist and shouts, "I have my rights!!!"

Remember the words of the apostle Paul, " But and if thou marry, thou hast not sinned; and if a virgin marry, she hath not sinned. Nevertheless such shall have trouble in the flesh: (1Co 7:28)

And all the married couples said, "AMEN!"

Really though, this is the truth. When two individual self lives come together as one-there is a lot of dying to self that has to happen in order for that one flesh relationship to blossom and grow.

Ouch!

And when the world is constantly pumping out its message to do what 'feels' right in our own sight, to get out of relationships that cause us any kind of pain or dissatisfaction; when we are told through virtually every form of media that our personal rights and happiness are far more important than the vows we made on our wedding day; when we allow our thoughts to be shaped by these philosophies-marriages crumble. Homes are destroyed. Children become hurt and disillusioned. God's will is cast aside. We have stepped on a landmine of terrible compromise and the casualties are numerous.

What or who is shaping your view of marriage?

We all need to ask ourselves this question.

If our mind concerning our marriage vows has been renewed by God's Word. If our thoughts are firmly rooted in the Scriptures and our will is submitted to God's-our marriage will weather ANY storm. I have proved it in my own marriage and have seen it work in others.

Divorce is not an option. God hates divorce.


Let me pause here to say that I fully realize there are situations where it may be impossible for a couple to remain together because of abuse or continued, unrepented sin on the part of one spouse. However, I still believe there is hope in marriages even when they seem utterly hopeless. My burden is for those who throw in the towel too easily. Who give up before exhausting all of the heavenly resources God has so graciously equipped us with.

Sometimes an illustration says it best. Lives submitted to God and committed to doing His will always shine and bring glory to God. And not only this- but by their example, others will know that they, too, can stand strong in the Lord in the face of any trial. Allow me to share a story that has impacted me, personally.

Somewhere between the North Pole and the South live an ordinary couple. A Christian couple who are trying their best to live for God and to do His will. They have had their share of ups and downs as all couples do, but they love each other. Let me pause here to say that every married individual should spend some time exploring what love is and is not-according to God's Word. The challenge of agape love is submission. Agape love is selfless. It has no rights. It seeks only to do God's will and is only possible in marriage as we surrender our individual self life to Him. Think about that the next time you say “I love you” to your spouse.

Now back to my story.

About two years ago, the wife in this couple-a friend of mine- was watching a movie with her son on the family computer. Suddenly, in just a blink of an eye, the movie disappeared from the screen, and in its place a naked woman appeared- dancing seductively. The image stunned her, but she quickly escaped the screen and grappled for some kind of explanation to give her child. Everyone knows how quirky the internet and computers can be…right? She continued watching the movie with her son trying to hide the panic she was feeling-forcing herself to keep her eyes focused on the screen while her mind was slipping into overdrive. In fact it was barrelling at top speed down the highway of dread.

Nothing like this had ever happened before. I know that it completely blew me out of the water hearing her story at the time.

This woman had no reason to suspect that it was more than a fluke-except for the sick feeling she got in the pit of her stomach. She was anxious for the movie to be over so her son would go to bed and she could explore a little further. When he finally turned in she began a search through the computer's web history. You’ve heard the old saying, “there’s a first time for everything”. Firsts can be the happiest, most thrilling occasions in our life. Like a first date or a first trip to somewhere exciting.

Or firsts can be unbelievably shocking. They can imprint the heart with a much different type of impression.

It was the first time my friend had found links to pornographic material on the computer.  If you have used Internet for any length of time you have probably received one of those annoying emails that instruct you to look carefully at a serene picture and find a particular detail. While you are lost in concentration, a terrifying face pops out of nowhere, screaming so loudly that morning coffees have often been spilled over keyboards.

Betrayal is like that. It bursts suddenly and unexpectedly onto the landscape of your life. It literally shocks you. Shock is described in the dictionary as an impact of some type- a sudden, powerful concussion; violent blow, shake, or jar. It is further described as any sudden disturbance or agitation of the mind or emotions, as through great loss or surprise. We can easily move on and wipe off the keyboard after that screaming face appears on our computer screen-but betrayal continues to scream in our emotions long after it happens.

Betrayal of trust in a marriage can mean the demise of a relationship.

Or....

It can bring a couple to the feet of Jesus and introduce them to a depth of God's love and mercy they have not yet discovered.

And that is what happened and is happening in this marriage.

This lady's first response was anger. An anger arising from the excruciating heartache she was feeling. From the barrage of fear and questions that swallowed up her thoughts. The victim mentality snapped over her mind like an airtight lid, and for a while she could only see the situation through the filter of self. "I have been betrayed!" "My heart has been broken!" "I am so disappointed!" "I am completely disillusioned!" And on and on the 'I' and 'my' list went. And let me tell you, it wasn't difficult to silently agree with her in that moment of agony.

Until....

Until she fell on her knees and began to cry out to God in her pain. She described how she immediately felt the comfort of the Holy Ghost, how she knew that God heard and God cared. But then He gently brought to her remembrance a story from His Word.

The story of the woman caught in the act of adultery.

She had caught her husband in an act of adultery. When a married individual watches pornography it is in every way a betrayal of the wedding vow. Jesus clearly taught, "You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery’. But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." (Matthew 5:27)

I'm justified in my anger, she thought. The stones were in her hand. The anger and indignation were in her heart. But as she read the words Jesus spoke to the crowd gathered that day, "Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her"......the stones began to fall one by one to the ground. Conviction gripped her heart as the realization of her own sinful nature...her own propensity to failure...her own daily need for the mercy and forgiveness of God gripped her heart. And in that moment of realization or revelation, she was plunged into the reality of the perfect love of God. That love was again shed abroad in her heart in a measure she had never experienced before. It flushed out all claims to a victim status. It washed away the anger. His love consumed and compelled her to forgive and to stand with her husband in this moral failure.

I'd like to tell you that it ended here. But just a couple of months ago, her husband slipped again. He visited a pornographic website again. And although he reached out immediately to a friend in ministry who had become his accountability partner, he did not tell his wife. Unfortunately, she made the discovery accidentally and because he had kept it from her- she felt doubly betrayed. Once again she was plunged into a whirlwind of emotion. Everything in her wanted to shut down and shut out the source of her pain and disappointment. She became incensed with telling her husband what this had done to HER, how it had affected HER until one day when she sat down to write him letter, it was as though God wouldn’t let her write those words of accusation. Instead, she found herself asking for his forgiveness. She said God kept bringing to her mind the things she needed to repent of. And with every line she felt both the unction of the Holy Ghost and a sweet release in her spirit. The things she was expressing were the extreme opposite of what she had been thinking and feeling. But God was calling her again to step out of the natural and into the SUPERnatural. Into the place of obedience and submission. Into the place where there are no limits on the number of times we must forgive. 70 x’s 7…right?

Here is wisdom: “Commit your works (actions) to the LORD, And your thoughts will be established.” Proverbs 16:3

What does that mean? It means that when we are willing to step off the ‘My way” Highway by doing what God asks of us, our obedience will bring the blessing of having our thoughts and subsequently our emotions established or made stable by His truth through the power of His indwelling Spirit. This is 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 in action:

“For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war after the flesh:(For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;)Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;”

And so, my friend finished the letter and left it for her husband. When she returned from picking up groceries, he was standing in the kitchen holding the letter. He had tears in his eyes. He walked over to her, wrapped his arms around her and began to sob. She told me at that moment, God spoke to her as clearly as He ever had, and said “Love conquers all.”

This couple’s love for one another has never been deeper. Their commitment to God and to their marriage vows- never stronger.

This is what viewing life through the lens of Scripture can do. She can say with Jesus in sincerity of heart, "Neither do I condemn you."

Following Jesus in marriage means submitting to His Word even when doing so runs completely contrary to what 'seems' right or 'feels' right. Love is NOT just a feeling. Love is a commitment to stand with your partner come what may. No doubt there will be a struggle as you fight to push through the veil of flesh into the presence of God-but when that happens your perspective changes completely.

When your heart is broken. When your dreams are crushed. When you don't 'feel' like submitting to anything but your hurt and anger....if you will commit your actions...if you will DO what God asks you to do...then your thoughts and feelings will be transformed. They will be established through your obedience to Him.

This is what makes Christian marriages different.

Love God’s way “bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love NEVER fails.” (1 Corinthians 13:7-8)